(x-posted from my personal journal)
I was writing in my LJ the other day about how I had come home from work and two days in a row Shoji had pulled out the exact same three books and chewed on them. The second day was the closing night for the Film Fest, things were going very badly at work and I left early. Driving home I thought to myself ldquo;I donrsquo;t really believe in a god, but I do believe therersquo;s lsquo;something divinersquo; so Irsquo;m going to put it out there, maybe for the umpteenth time, but please helpe me figure out to do with my career and future.rdquo; Thatrsquo;s It wasnrsquo;twhen I came home and found the dog had gnawed on the same exact books as the day before. No way were they any easier to pull out of the shelf than any of the others, so vaguely wondering if it could be something more than a coincidence I sat down and took a look at all three.
The first was ldquo;Hope for the Flowerrdquo;, a little animated fable about a caterpillar discovering the meaning of life that was recommended to me years and years ago either by my momrsquo;s friend Carol, or my therapist. Canrsquo;t remember. It wasnrsquo;t anything earth-shattering, reading that book, just kind of a cute morality tale about being true to who you are,� willingness to sacrifice and take risks to better yourself. Whatrsquo;s probably more important about the book is that I read it during a time in my life when I was actually going through a lot of personal changes, reading a lot of books about adoption issues, etc. It was probably about 12 years ago, when I had the big breakthrough following the big breakdown.
The next book is ldquo;F. Scott Fitzgerald On Writingrdquo; and I canrsquo;t remember the background to this one. Itrsquo;s a collection of letters between Fitzgerald and other that cover topics such as how he develops his stories and character, and other writing stuff. I donrsquo;t know that I ever read the whole thing, or even why I have it, other than that Irsquo;ve toyed with writing fiction on and off through the years.
ldquo;Yellow: Race in America Beyond Black and Whiterdquo;� by Frank Wu is the book Irsquo;m most upset about him chewing up. This one I learned about through Keven So, a Chinese-Amercan Singer-Songwriter who I used to know in Chicago (hersquo;s since moved to NYC so you living in that are can look out for him) A lot of his songs are socio-political and I think in one of his emails he talked about Frank Wursquo;s book, so I went out and got it. Since I studied sociology in college and have obviously a strong connection to Asian and Asian American-related issues I totally loved this book. I can still remember taking it with me when my friend Barb and I went up to Evanston during the summer to spend the day relaxing by Lake Michigan. At that time I became very passionate about racial issues in the US and contemplated going back to school for an advanced degree in Asian American studies. What I was going to do with that degree was unclear, except that I wanted to do something, anything, to help effect change in this country.
Double-tap to Frank Wu, last night I was looking through all the photos of George Lin people are posting on the memorial Facebook page and found this:
So those are the three books Shoji chewed and the stories behind them. What do you guys think? Add up to anything significant? Any� picture forming of a hint from the heavens?
One a different note, last night I talked to both my parents on the phone for a long time.Made the mistake of saying something to my dad about how I needed to spend a lot of time thinking and praying about what do do next. He repeated ldquo;praying?rdquo; Aigoo, shouldnrsquo;t have said that. Now theyrsquo;re going to think Irsquo;m praying to Jesus and heading back into their Evangelical Christian fold. Sigh. I know exactly how my parents think. Theyrsquo;re probably saying to each other that lsquo;godrsquo; has allowed all this current job trouble to happen to me in order to guide me back to lsquo;himrsquo;. Double le Sigh. When I say the word pray I donrsquo;t mean the same thing they do, so I shouldnrsquo;t have used it. For me itrsquo;s more a matter of spending time meditating and trying to get in touch with whatever divine force there is out there. I donrsquo;t name it and donrsquo;t pretend to even know what it is. Maybe it doesnrsquo;t exist at all. But in my pseudo-Buddhist way I at least think therersquo;s a unifying force in the universe thatrsquo;s ultimately guiding us all to be better, how ever many lives it takes. Isnrsquo;t that what enlightenment is, in the end?
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